Scott Robinson (quadhome) wrote,
Scott Robinson

The emotion between happiness and sadness.

I’m sure certain people are sick of listening to me, so I’ll write at this instead.

I spoke with moxiediosa yesterday. She let me know about some concerns regarding me. I guess I have been “succeeding” beyond my original intent. My actions are purely motivated by wanting to preserve our friendship. But, if I’m instead ensuring a deleterious result, then what is the point? I could not immediately respond, but I have been thinking on the situation.

One aspect I have been meditating upon is the responsible coping strategy. I’m unsure if I inherited escape/avoidance from my Father, but I clearly remember the night it was positively reinforced upon me. I departed a stress inducing situation via the front door of a house we were visiting in Anaheim, California. As was already a pattern, I started walking away. I continued walking until I could not see the source of my issue and my mind had calmed. I then began to reflect upon my troubles.

I first decided if I wanted to return. Clearly, walking away from a distressing environment rarely stimulates improvement. Making the decision thus involves carefully weighing the positives (benefits) and negatives (punishments). Initially, I repeatedly constructed elaborate and unrealistic scenarios composed solely of positives. It’s difficult, however, to support that level of self-delusion and easier to shift to the equally borderline imagery of pure negatives.

I cried a lot. “Woe is me” thought paths in the style of the parody surfaced. Southern California is nice as I was not required to quickly make a decision - it’s warm all the time. In Washington, I never leave without a coat. Time passes and inevitably realism dominates. Are things truly bad? Did I want to institute the alternatives? What can I do to improve my condition?

I decided I wanted to return, leaving the remaining decision of when I wanted to return. I had collected and encapsulated my emotions with logic. Therefore, answering the second question is less mentally consuming. I continued sitting, staring out across the teeming lights of the Los Angeles valley. I would return when something made me. Something was another youth from the house. As was already a pattern, some individuals could not accept the concept of the world allowing an unattended youth to survive for more than a few moments. The idea of a police search was still novel, but I acquiesced to the conjecture of its extreme inconvenience.

When I returned, I was made to understand only one individual advocated allowing me the opportunity to ponder. Moreover, the rationale matched the exact reasons I departed. The youth was thus impressed. I’m older now. The necessary distance is farther than quarter mile down a hill, and the time is more than a couple hours alone.

Tags: pretentious
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